Being happy with yourself?

Being happy with yourself is an incredibly hard point to reach in your life. I have met many wonderful people who are happy with who they are and let negativity wash over them, these people are also usually much more motivated than most. I have been told that being happy with yourself is truely self rewarding.

I am not happy with myself. Every so often I reach a point where I feel a bit more confident and think am I happy with me? Heck yeah! But then it usually goes downhill the next couple of days.

Like many females, image is a hard thing to accept. I have endured bullies and negative comments, people who were meant to be trusted, those who break you down.

I have been working hard to let things just go over my head, ignore comments like water off a ducks back. But there are people who do not understand that a joke can actually really affect someone.

As a young girl, I was involved in competitive solo sports and whislt I did have positive experiences, there are negatives to which I do feel would make me cautious about ever putting my own child through that (children are not in my planned future, but god forbid!). Figure skating and gymnastics are two highly competitive sports, which surround you with particular types of people. I personally always joined in with sport because it was something I felt I was good at and I enjoyed, I was not the type of person who was motivated to the point of being the best and putting others down in the process. I have always been happy plodding along at my own pace, working hard and focusing on areas I wanted to work on, areas I knew I needed improvement in. However as a 9 year old girl, a mean and verbally abusive coach was not a welcome environment. Any female who takes part in a sport such as dancing, figure skating and gymnastics will have endured this feeling of not only being pushed to feel as though you are not good enough at the sport you work hard in, but also to be berated about your weight and figure.

I am a naturally curvy female genetically. I am a size 8 waist, size 10 chest with size 10-12 hips. I have never been happy with my hips however I have tried more to appreciate them, often referred to as “Child bearing hips” (eurgh..) and informed many ladies would like to have full hips. Now I personally have never met these ladies. I have also endured people commenting that if I’m not happy, I could lose a fair bit of weight from my hips. Well.. actually.. no. There is a tiny bit of pudge I can lose on my hips, but when actually felt? Bone. Like the other ladies in my family, I have naturally wide hip bones.

I admit, I am not as in shape as I would like to be, and I have been gradually trying to increase this through small and suitablly short bursts of exercise at home. My ME does not necessarily allow me to do as much exercise as I would like or reach the incredible levels of fitness others have. But I feel so guilty and horrible in myself when people make me feel awful because of the difference between my fitness level and body with theirs.

During primary school, I was a very happy go lucky child and never paid much attention, at one point I was one of the tallest girls in school! However as puberty took over and the people around me changed and started maturing, the last year of primary and transfer to secondary saw the start of many negative experiences. The last 15 years or so in which I have gone through social situations and whatnot, I have experienced much negativity. And this has dampened my motivation. I often feel as though my body is disgusting and that I am overweight and need to save for surgery. But then I also go through emotions along the lines of why bother. Why do I feel these? The accumulation of years of verbal and mental abuse essentially.

At 24, I am a healthy female. I am 5 ft 4, my weight fluxuates between 9.6 – 10.5 stone. I do not eat as healthily as I would like, but I do eat a variety of foods and I have in the last two years reduced the amount of sugary fatty foods I eat as I have felt happier. I currently undertake two nights of roller derby a week and I hope when I move house to go to the gym with my other half and do more low impact forms of exercise such as swimming.

But there are still comments and jokes around my weight and fitness or general looks. It is difficult. And I know that it is not just females who struggle with this. But how do you deal with it? How can you be happy with you? Why can others not let you be happy being you?

I think before someone judges or makes comments, someone must take great care in what they think. Confidence, self-esteem, happiness, just because you may have it, doesn’t mean we all do. But it also doesn’t mean that who we are is necessarily who we want to be. One day I will walk through a room with confidence instead of with my head down.

Since my return to roller derby and joining the Hellfire Harlots, I have felt more at ease with not feeling happy with myself. I have met women of a variety of backgrounds, ages, body shapes, fitness levels and abilities, all of whom are strong women. These women come together and there is this understanding that some are very serious and competitive about their fitness and roller derby whilst some of us may be working to achieve that and others take part in roller derby for fun. It makes them no less of an athlete or derby player. No-one makes negative comments around other girls weights or looks, some people in the derbyverse may not get on but generally the physicallity of things are not brought into things (bar some comments I have heard surrounding certain body types make better jammers/blockers – which I heavily disagree with!)

 I have been shopping around for a dress to wear to the Harlots big birthday ball which is a posh do for us derby girls in which we have to dress the part! Black tie – exciting! I wanted to find a dress which for once made me look beautiful, lady like and elegant. And I guess part of this post started around this, wanting to feel beautiful for one night, not worrying about your shape or natural features because you are too busy feeling like a princess. Yes. I said it. A princess. Sadly superheroes aren’t as glamourous when it comes to ballgowns! But I have felt very negative along with odd comments making me feel more downhearted surrounding what I will look like in a posh dress. The dress is going to wear me!

So. I don’t really know why I wrote this post, bar I guess getting things off my chest about feeling low.  It is crazy to think that some people spend so much time focusing on things, to think about how much they are missing out on, some people do need that focus as a purpose in life, but my question to those people? Are you happy being you? I think inner happiness is truely subjective. You could have it all and still not be truely happy. But my main goal for myself is to have inner happiness. One day, I will be happy just being me. And every day is a step closer to that. I am currently trying to enjoy each day I have and my as MamaCidal has always told me, aslong as you have your health and your family everything else can always be sorted.

Til next time BlueMonsters x

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