So. The lovely Finn Furious of the Harlots posted some fantastic blog pieces in the last week on the Official Hellfire Harlots website.
Two well written and well thought out posts on body confidence, and one which has seen some fantastic examples of loving your body. AKA. #harlothappybody
I wanted to join in and show that I too can love my body. However this is hard. I am a person who cannot stand the reflection in the mirror and hates seeing my physical state in some picture a friend tagged me in etc.
Since struggling with my weight and what to eat as a young gymnast I have not yet managed to get out of this not being good enough grasp. Throw in a few bullies and people who make you feel as though you do not look right or do not look as good as someone else. At one point I ended up in tears in a room in Northamptonshire Harley Medical.
In the last few years I have improved my diet and worked harder to look after my body a little better.
So of the examples given in Finns post, I decided to mix it up and use a variety of her examples. Stuff I have learnt to love and stuff I don’t like but can find positives in. So I guess it is still Harlothappybody – just done in a ‘Cidal way?
My body shape : I am what “the fashion people” call a pear shape it would appear. I am bottom heavy with a small chest. I have always felt very odd standing next to groups of females with wonderful hourglass figures or very slim or athletic builds.
The positive? I fit quite well into original vintage pieces/sizing. That and having more weight in my bottom half helps me stay upright a little easier in derby stance!
My derby gap (and thunder thighs) : This is a biggy for me. My derby gap. Or “lack of thigh gap”. I have thunder thighs. I have been involved in sports which focus heavily on building leg muscle from a very young age, at which point I did completely cut out sport at the drop of a hat. Bye bye muscle, hello fatty tissue. I am very self-conscious about my thunder thighs, I have sometimes walked in the office in trousers and depending on the material heard them rubbing together as I walked. Teamed with my wide hips these have made finding comfortable jeans difficult. It is only in the last two years I have felt confident enough to buy and wear skinny jeans and tight spandex trousers. It will take some time and hard work to improve these. I still feel uncomfortable wearing shorts without tights, or wearing shorts that come above a certain point on my thigh. I am pale and the stretch marks & cellulite on my thighs show as plain as day.
The positive? The power I get from each push and every crossover on track.
My hips and butt : I have what many people have called “Child bearing hips.” I am wide. The ladies in my family have always generally had wide-ish hips. Turns out I am no different. The suckiest thing about this is that I cannot do anything about them. I have also had a hip operation on my left side so I do have a 5″ scar which on the surface still has not fully healed. But because I cannot do anything about the width of hip bone, I have had to get over it and learn to live with and love them. Also my butt has become more derby in the last year. YES!
The positive? FEAR MY BUTT IN A WALL! Having a set of wide hips with a butt between each side is powerful when you can get low, dig in and hold someone behind you whether it is on your own or in a wall! Lock those hips together and BOOM! The extra width is good for positional blocking and if necessary gets a good swing on a hip hit!
My belly : I had always been slender in my younger years but upon reaching my teenage years and eating a little bit for comfort my tummy filled out a little. I went from 8 stone, to 10 stone which felt awful for me. I currently sit between 9.5 – 10.6 generally and this fluctuates. I try not to weigh myself. My main feeling surrounding my body and the idea of weight is that I simply want to my body to be healthy. My tummy has dispersed a little the more I have improved my diet and started exercising more often but it is still there. And I like it because it’s where food (CAKE) goes 🙂
The positive? My belly holds my core strength and my belly is happy when it is fed.
My arms : Ok. I admit. My arms don’t exactly bug me so much. Probably one of the things I don’t mind about me. I don’t like how pale and hairy they are… but arms you help me carry things. I think with a little more toning up I’m ok!
The positive? I found something I actually don’t hate about my body!
My feet : I have monkey hobbit feet. My feet are just plain horrible. They have undergone years of gymnastics and skating. Don’t look at my feet. Ever.
The positive? I like my feet. They help me skate!
My chest : My chest is again a biggy for me. I have a small chest thanks to gymnastics and figure skating. I have a small chest and wide hips, so I do not look at all in proportion whatsoever. It makes me sad and very self-conscious. This is one of two reasons I attended the Harley Medical clinic in Northampton. When I put top on to see the difference, I did cry. I cried at how my body looked so in proportion and so womanly for once. In the end, I never went under the knife (obviously). Due to financial and generally being too scared reasons I never changed them.
The positive? I have a handful of boob? I’m not too sure what exactly the positive is bar not having anything explode or go wrong in my chest… BUT it has meant I can still wear size 8-10 dresses which flare out on the hips which makes me look a little more slender? Also. Small boobs don’t get hit as much as big boobs on the track!
My nose : Ok. This is something I really hate about myself. As plain as the nose on my face. (HAH! I MADE A FUNNY!) I despise my nose with a passion. This is number two reason for Harley Medical. I feel as though it is fat and piggylike and makes my facial features look very masculine. Why is it still fat piggylike and masculine? Because I sing. After speaking with professionals I found out it would affect my singing/breathing ability. No. Thank. You.
The positive? Erm… I didn’t change my nose so I kind of have to live with it and try to get on with it? It is there. On my face. Every day. Also it isn’t so bad when I get hit in the face because it is fat squishy nose already? I’m actually stuck with this one.
My face other than my nose : I like my chubby hamster cheeks. I like my eyes. I dislike how masculine/boy like I look with my man features. I do not look feminine. Nope. Chubby manhamster.
The positive? MY CHEEKS STORE FOOD! I like chubby cheeks because it makes your smile seem better. And my eyes see things. My eyes are also a nice shade of green and sparkly! (Yeah.. I kinda just stopped thinking at this point..)