The thing with not being good enough

The thing with not being good enough is that your mind becomes your worst enemy. The last week has been very hard for me, it has been emotionally and mentally draining. I have been very alone. Today I was excited but at the same time ridiculously nervous. The first time I’ve returned to the track in a scrimmage scenario. It has felt great to reach this point and now have the ability to learn from other skaters! It has also been terrifying. I am scared. I will admit that. I used to primarily be a jammer but pulled my fair share of blocker duty. In the last year I had experienced a lot of negativity and comments surrounding myself and my skating and ability in both roles and my confidence has been at an all time low. I told myself to be brave today, to man the feck up and jam at least once today. I did not jam. I blocked, badly but I blocked. Every moment on track the comments replaying in my mind. All those years of derby has accumulated to what would appear to be nothing. Part of me considers the option of recreational skating, I do not at this point in time feel as though I’m good enough to be skating with the fantastic ladies that surround me. I am having a serious crisis of faith and self belief. A the part of me feels that I am simply not good enough. I have been put down to the point that I now believe it. I wanted to put that jammer panty on so badly. Tried to recall when I scored a 14-0 jam and use that for courage. But I was scared and stood back. I had no courage to step up like the superhero in a film and save the jam when everyone was tired and wanted to sit out of jamming for a few. What upset me the most about today is the way I let my emotions take over. After a tough week everything has built up and reached a breaking point. I cried. I cried like a little girl. Now my mind is telling me that people with think I’m an attention seeker, that I’m a dramallama which is far from the truth. I have worked my butt off for derby. It came into my life 5 years ago and I haven’t looked back. Yes I have been knocked around and had my ass kicked both physically and mentally. But I have always come back to derby. How can you feel like you are good enough? Is it enough to look at all your victories no matter how small? How can you outweigh the bad with the good? And how can you ignore the negative feelings when it’s yourself that uses your experiences to make you feel like you are not good enough. I don’t really know what use this post is in comparison to my other posts. I guess it’s more a way for me to get this off my chest and not feel so alone. So if you can take anything from this post then let me know, any way we can turn negatives into positives! As for jamming, I’m not sure if I will put that panty on my head in the near future. I would like to think that I will. I loved jamming. I will set the record straight – I was not a jammer for glory. I was a jammer because I enjoyed it. I loved finding and exploiting holes in walls, watching my blockers hold the opposing jammer with such ability. Watching teamwork and learning how to help other jammers when blocking. Til next time bluemonsters x

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