So with work and the house and the band and derby and general life going on I’ve been very quiet as of recent.
One of the subjects I touched on recently was fear. Fear is a powerful emotion which can be used to accomplish many positive and many negative outcomes.
I do experience a certain level of fear in my personal life, due to personal experiences and changes in life along with my over thinking personality. I have been scared about band stuff, going to derby practice, seeing certain people – even just walking into a shop! Whilst I don’t experience nerves when I go on stage, I do experience an odd fear. The fear that people won’t like what we do, the fear that people won’t like me or that we are being judged at a ridiculous standard. Though the problem with getting shows and venues/promotors to have us on is a big part of this fear. If they don’t have confidence in us because we have a female vocalist then how can they expect you to be fully confident?
I have a general issue as I discussed in a previous post of consistently never feeling quite good enough. I feel as though I can always improve. Which in a way is not necessarily a bad thing, I will continue to strive to improve and never just settle for being ok. But in other ways, it is not a good thing.
Fear in derby.
Fear has been the biggest thing to overcome in roller derby for me. A lot of my fear is down to me as a person, I over think and worry about everything. And this does show in the differences between training and scrimmage. During training sessions I do feel the fear, I am scared to push hard and I acknowledge that I don’t commit as much as I know I can. I over think the moves I am making and do not make them with confidence. I fear that I’m not good enough and others will notice, that others will not be patient with me as learn all over again. I worry that people will judge me – even though I know they won’t. My league have become a family to me and I trust them, they are not the types to judge and have experienced many of the same derby lessons I have and am still learning. During scrimmage however I feel more confident about making decisions, I have spoken up more in recent scrimmages and have fully commit both as a jammer and a blocker. I am able to bypass the fear and attack those wall’s, get up when I fall and pack up sticking to my teammates like glue. There are still times I stand there in training and feel more on the defeated side, but the ladies in my league offer me advice and help, point out how I can change what I’m doing and become a sstronger player.
I do experience post derby fear from time to time. I over evaluate and focus too much on the negative things. I experience fear over possibly not doing as well as I could have, but this is more fear over the consequences of not skating hard enough or working well enough.
Fear is powerful. But you can use that fear. Fear can be even more powerful when used as a motivator. And I’m not talking about scaring other people to motivate you or them, I’m talking about using your own fear to motivate you. Derby as a sport is empowering. And the women who play the sport alongside you are empowering. Throw in fear, let that emotion be empowering too!
Sometimes fear is like a wall of blockers, it may look impossible to beat and it may be hard to get through, but you have to keep attacking it and once you get that hip in and shift even just a small part of that wall – that wall can be split and isn’t as strong anymore. It give you enough room for a path past it. It is not an easy 123 process. You cannot just send offence in once and hope that it’s enough, you have to keep pushing. And that motivation is what gets you through.
Again it is a lesson I am still learning. I am learning to breathe, pick myself up, block out any notion of fear and just go for it. Fear challenges me and the feeling after I have taken it on and come out the other side? Amazing. In all honesty I do believe that fear doesn’t go away, it just gets easier to deal with. And maybe that is a good thing? Where would we be without a little bit of fear? The trick is just to not let it rule you. In my experience and with this post, I feel that fear and confidence go hand in hand. Don’t let fear break you down, let it build you up.
Another post which is more contemplative than having a to the point answer.
Til next time BlueMonsters