Tonight I had a bit of a moment. Tonight I experienced a little bit of the Fear again. The Fear for me? Jumping.
I realise that this may seem absurd coming from an ex-figure skater. Surely I must be mad? Well yes and no. I loved jumping, I loved mid air spins, the contortions you could make your body do and the ways in which you can take off and land. But when it comes to jumping in derby? It’s a different kettle of fish. It’s a different style of skating, you hold yourself in a different manner and in derby you aim to use your body to help or hinder.
I had the Fear and shutdown tonight, watching some of our springier skaters practicing apex jumps and the likes. I would love to be able to do apex jumps or jump around people the way they do, but I can’t. I freeze with the Fear. At first I just put it down to jumping near other people, but I competed as both a solo and group skater. I have jumped, span and tricked my way through routines side by side with other skaters. I trust my team mates so the issue isn’t that, but what is it??
I have felt a little odd doing jumps post break, originally started with caution, now I feel more confident and I do now seem to be able to jump stronger through my wankle (thank you physio! Best do the other ankle too….!!). The Fear is an odd thing to experience, for some it is down to past experience, for some it is when trying the unknown, for me? I really have no idea. I’d love to do it, but I freeze. I just do. I panic and tense up at the idea of even attempting to jump the apex.
I have not figured out yet how to combat this Fear. Do I push myself to just do it? Or will it make it worse? Some part of me puts it down to simply me being me. I have a great lack of self confidence in my ability and often tell myself that I’m not good enough (for anyone new to this blog at this post, anyone reading before will most likely have full grasp of this!!) – and I generally worry about not being able to do something or spend a lot of time figuring out how to do something. I am coming to terms with the Fear or jumping, but I still have a way to go.
It has taken me a while, for example, to be able to put force and aggression into my jamming skills. Since returning to skating, I figured just go for, hit harder and push more. I haven’t been able to show what I have learnt fully just yet, but 2015 I hope I get to show just how hard I have been working and how much I want to skate! This has seemed like an easier mountain to climb. But as for jumping? I am still working on it. I guess it is natural to find something that challenges you, or that you challenge yourself on.
Always having some point to work to, a goal to reach. It is important to always have things set in your mind. If you want to be somewhere? Then get there. Do what you need to do and get there. Then find somewhere higher you want to go!
Or do what you do if that is what makes you happy. Whether you want to progress or set goals, whether you want to enjoy things and not have a goal, a challenge or a fear to conquer, make sure you know what you want.
Til next time little blue monsters xx