12 days in to the new year, I have already slipped up on my aspirations for 2015. But you know what? I’m not beating myself up about it. I have not failed and I have not given up, simply hit my first wall in a long line of bricks to break down.
After being ill for a few days, I found myself well enough to skate in the weekly Sunday scrimmage. I still had a slight dry throat and my mind wasn’t as clear as it usually is, but I was able to skate through it. Sadly, my mental state did affect the way I played. I was slow, over focused, wasn’t natural. I could go on but I need to not go on. TML and the first scrim of the year put me on a serious derby high, I got my derby back but now I have to fight to keep it. Why? Because I am my own worst enemy. Yes, very cliché but very true. I am very negative about and to myself to the point that I can be quite toxic to myself. But I am determined to change that, I want to change that.
At the end of Sunday it was noticed by some that I was being a douchebag to myself. I tried not to let it show that I was angry and upset with myself, I was upset that I had let myself and my team down. It only showed the smallest bit but was enough for some to pick up on. My desire to focus on positives meant that I started by messaging an awesome lass who has essentially become somewhat of a guardian angel for me – my own derby sentinel! I feel close enough to trust and take advice from this lady knowing that she has experience in both derby and life to give me honest and critical yet kind and constructive feedback. She offered me constructive criticism with my blocking and jamming, but the most important and influential piece of advice she gave was that I needed to allow myself to be myself – and to be more positive about myself, starting with positive affirmations. The rest would come with time. I have spent a bit of time wanting to badly to prove myself and prove my worth lately, that I have missed the point – for me to prove myself, I need to stop trying so hard and putting so much pressure on myself. To be able to show them what I can do, I need to just be me – that is the only way to prove myself is to be myself. Not just for my league, but to show myself. The same also applies in part to my band life.
I have read about positive affirmations and seen it work for some, I have considered it but then always gone back to the negative thinking about how and why could it possibly work for me. Instead of telling myself why I suck, I should have been telling myself that I don’t suck and why not. For someone like me, I am unsure how or if affirmations will work for me yet. Growing up I had negativity aimed at me during my school/teen years and then pretty crappy critical things from being on stage – because girls can’t front a rock or metal band and are often “too cute to front the band” and suck as singers or front people. Allegedly. What a load of toss! I have spent a fair bit of my life listening to these people and it has reached the point that I do believe these things about myself, about my looks, my body, my skating and singing abilities, my lack of social skills… MamaTerror has before told me a saying, the same saying that one of my favourite drag queens Jinkx Monsoon (RPDR, S5. Know your Ru!) always said on stage before every critique: Water off a ducks back. I have tried to remind myself of this, and for some part it worked against these people – but how do you tell yourself this when it is you that is “the water?!” I guess when the problem is more you and your own thinking, cognitive behavioural therapy in the form of positive affirmations may just be the answer. So under instruction of said derby angel, I am going to give it a go!
I intend on using post it notes where I can and writing notes in my training diary. I also want to try to listen to people when they pay me a compliment – I am awful at taking compliments and often think that it is out of pity or people feeling bad or sorry for me, even though they are genuine – I brush compliments off but maybe I should be trying to take a positive from what people are saying and making a note of it, both for my training diary and for my own self worth. I’m already starting to feel a little better and even somewhat happier taking natural photos of myself! Woop!
Since returning to blogging, I have seen more and more people reading and liking what I have written – this response and general interest has made me feel so thankful and somewhat appreciated in turn.
So I put it you, my little blue monsters, to share with me some of your mantras or positive affirmations!
Comment below, tag Facebook and twitter. #letsgetpositive
Let’s get positive! Positive! I wanna get pos-i-tive! Let me hear your mantra talk, mantra talk! (Points if you sang it)
Til next time little blue monsters xx
On a slightly unrelated note….