So it happened, I am in mourning over lost comrades and band mates. A big part of my life is over.
I am going to speak very openly and quite frankly, none of this is to attack anyone, but to give insight as to why I am sadly writing a post I never even considered that I would ever be writing. After two years of passion and dedication and some of the best songs I have been lucky to write with friends, I am sadly no longer part of Little Mammoth. After spending the last few weeks pushing and pushing for things to be fixed inside the band, Mark has decided that time has been called. I always thought that should Mammoth die out, it would be a mutual decision with positive memories and experiences to look back on. I never thought it would be one member fighting to hold on whilst others stopped caring or changed because of the low nature of others around them.
This post was written differently before. However in the last 24 hours there have been further events and developments that have resulted in me changing this.
Mark and Alex were my good friends for the best part of two years. We wrote some great music together and played some fun shows. Last year there was a negative attitude brought in, one that did not honour friendship or mature and mutual respect. More so to those which they feel nothing can be gained from, those they see as lower than them in every walk of life. We have had issues with this sticking pin before, this persons attitude of a negative and damaging nature having brought arguments into the band, as well as resulting in both this and other members mistreating and talking down to and about those who are only there to help us a band – sound engineers, promoters, radio support etc. This has both embarrassed me and disappointed me that this has happened in front of me and I hope more of this comes to light from these members continued own wrong doings and lack of respect.
With time off for band members to have months holiday, after a tough time for me personally during December 2014, we took another break from band so I could get myself together for my own sake as well as the sake of the band with a view to coming back stronger as a person and band to be able record the album we had put so much into and perform at the shows we were excited to be at. During this time, the band discussed a future without me. I was informed they were looking at carrying on together, without me and with a new singer because of misguided and misinformed feelings surrounding me and the weight I have been carrying on my shoulders. I can only hope this is in a new venture with no spoils to what was Mammoth.
It has been made clear that certain members will look to work together in separate ventures after this. I found out this morning that Alex, Mark and drummer would be continuing as a band. After being told it was just disbanding.
I have put two years of my life and soul into Little Mammoth, after pushing to do the album last year, I began preparing to start doing the album March time as my finances and life levelled out in terms of full time job, home life and my health. This was not suitable to others and my commitment to the band called into question. If my commitment had ever been questionable, I would not have performed with a broken ankle, nor would I have still be there fighting to keep the band together right to the point where I have been pushed out. This last week, many words have been exchanged between us, with members not wanting any involvement which has been sad when not even wanting to sort things out to be able to move forwards. I have been trying to arrange meeting up to talk in person rather than things being misread in words. I have been put in a horrible place and I have been grasping at straws to see if things can be fixed. I have been told straight by this person that I “am up my own arse” (more commonly known in these circumstances as standing up for yourself), sworn at and laughed at – and that they do not want to meet face to face with me whatsoever. Respect and communication has dissolved. This attitude has sadly poisoned the group and neither of the other members want to be involved in fixing this. This has destroyed me and further broken the Mammoths back. After trying to arrange meeting up to fix things, my attempts have been rejected and I have been at an absolute loss as what to do. I have dreamt of recording this album and continuing to follow it with some epic shows. But with members not wanting to face me or even respond with an attempt to sort things out, there is no future for us. It absolutely guts me writing this. The truth has been staring me in the face and I have continued to ignore it, but I have essentially been shown the door. The others have made no secret of their desire to be a band without me.
So in the last 24 hours I have learnt that they are definitely already moving on. It really sucks and really hurts. I have been told that the band is off, gigs were going to be cancelled etc. No band meant no need for any pages however people fought to have admin rights on pages when all they needed were the rights to message people like they had told me. Instead they brought all members back onto the page with full admin roles to post and change anything and everything, I guess I should have seen it then, that was really happening was them trying to piggyback off Mammoth and start from what we created as a band. I have made it clear that I do not want them using our tracks, my melodies and lyrics unless I am involved (which at this point, is not something that will happen). If they are determined to move on together then it should be as a new venture, without spoiling what was Mammoth. Also the way in which they did not have the balls to turn around to me and just say they wanted out and were going to reform as a new band. I had not been dignified with a response when I asked if that was happening, instead the band was blown up out of all proportion and then cowardly posts put out. With everything that has happened, the new pieces of truth crawling out the woodwork, it turns out that this had been their plan all along. I have been naive and trusting and I have paid the price for it.
The worst part of this is how I feel. I feel betrayed and angry yes, I also feel awful as to how it looks on me. I have always worried about others opinions on me, I have always tried to please everyone. But I have made so many wonderful friends and built great relationships with people in this industry, and to have a group of cowards do something which could damage that? I guess I realized this morning with the incoming support who my friends have been all along. I have been listening to the wrong people. I have let those people tell me what I should and shouldn’t do.
I am still unsure as to where things went wrong, what I have done that seems to have made all members make this choice, or how I have upset one person so much for them to treat me this way and leave the others to ignore it. I am so confused, angry, upset and my head is all over trying to figure out why and how. I am sorry that it has come to this point, it should never have reached this point but our hard work and dreams have been spoiled by those who it has come to light – have shown an interest in leaving the band many times before, playing games with the band for their own sport and sharing this along with their disrespectful feelings on the band and the members (other members, not just about me) with mutual friends who’s interests in the band have only ever been positive. As harsh as it may be for them to find out, I hope that one day they do find out the truth behind what has been said to those outside of our Mammoth circle, even though I know that it means in the near future receiving the treatment I had. Being lied to and misled by misguided adults who know what their “game” is, is something that should not happen to decent people. The band is no more, and the rest of the members want to continue without me. I have been told to sit back and just take it, move on and hold no hard feelings; I’ve been brushed off in the same way this whole debacle has just been brushed off inside the group.
It has actually broken my heart to have had something that meant so much to me just taken away due to actions of those who never cared. I have spent time crying and getting things out of my system. I am still angry and upset, I feel betrayed and let down, I feel awful about myself as a singer and person because of things said and the silent treatment. I am still in complete shock as I write this. It has broken me more the events in the last 24 hours.
I am devastated that this part of my life has come to an end and I am heartbroken that I now have to dig deep to be able to close the door on my Mammoth life. Those who know me both in and outside the industry will know my absolute dedication and love for this band, I hope that they will understand the happenings of this and continue to support me in the future as I have always supported them. I wish Alex and Mark the best of luck for their future endeavours and I am genuinely sad to lose them as my band mates and as friends. They have chosen to remove me from all points of contact and posted to timelines regarding them staying a band and needing a new singer so I guess their feelings on me have been made clear. I think my feelings for the last addition are pretty clear. I have also been upset that I am being told what I should do and the wait on telling people including those we booked shows with, because that is unfair on everyone involved. Needless to say at this point, I am confused as to why I even let these things rule me in the first place. For fear of upsetting people that have deeply hurt me? I don’t know, a large portion of this post is me not knowing.
As for the future, I have a huge passion for music, writing and performing… But I am unsure where I go from here. I will be taking some time away so I can try to pick up the pieces and repair damage done the best I can. I have never been a confident person and this has been used against me as a weakness for the last few months. I don’t know about my ability as a singer or a performer, and currently I feel as though I must be an awful person to deserve this treatment. I do not want to experience this again and I am unsure what risks I am willing to take as I move forwards and whether music will ever be a part of my life again. I love music and everything about it, I just wish it had loved me back.
Til next time little blue monsters, I need to pick up the pieces and guess I figure out where I go from here xx