I’m a little bit on cloud nine this week. I have post bout feels and this week I also learnt I was the lucky recipient of the Captains Award for the B team game! So many feels and I even did a happy cry!!
Our league has a “Captains award” for both B team and A team which goes out to a skater after every bout until the next bout when it is passed on to the next chosen skater. This award is given out for a variety of reasons which is the most beautiful thing about it, you don’t have to be the best or score the most points, it is a genuine honour to receive based on the recognition from your Captains. This award is a huge accomplishment for me and a real validation of everything I’ve done these last few months.
I really struggle with my confidence levels, I think that is pretty clear throughout this blog. I am mean to myself, I beat myself up about my performance/ability and I never tell myself that I actually did something good/of use. I have spent a lot of time since coming back from my break focusing on my skills and derby knowledge. I have been determined to skate and play to a high standard, better than I could before. I have also been determined to get out of my own head and have a more positive mental state on track. To make squads and teams was more than I could have asked for and upon getting these spots, I experienced two adverse feelings.
· A whole heap of pressure to be good enough to skate on these teams.
· Validation and confidence that I was going to skate on these teams.
Coming up to the NHH v BBD bout, I was nervous and excited. After playing against Hot Wheel at the start of the month, I felt more at ease in experiencing getting my feelings wrong. I psyched myself out and was scared of letting the team down and that I didn’t deserve to be there… but in actual fact I wouldn’t be there if my team and Captains thought so.
Hooli and Terri were the B teams Captaincy, both these ladies had so much belief in me, as did our Bench and LUM. At first this belief was a pressure, the last thing I wanted to do was let them down. But come the day, their belief in me, powered me to actually believe in myself. I listened to my Bench’s advice, believe in yourself and visualize getting through/stopping them. Throughout my time jamming, whenever I was out of the pack I instantly looked at my Bench and she helped me to refocus and enter the pack with ideas on when to call or carry on.
Turns out believing in yourself actually works. The same goes for the positivity of visualization.
I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has believed in me. I know it sounds soppy, but it turns out there are more people than I realised who have faith in me and I have never really said thank you out of fear of taking a compliment. Anytime people have said positive things I have brushed them off or changed subject, when I should have just said thank you. I am ignorant to myself. After last weekend, I want to change that. And I think I may be ready to.
This Captains award, for me, is a sign of strength. I have finally found strength in myself this last month and it has felt good. I still have a way to go both physically and mentally, but my initial feelings? To quote Labyrinth: You have no power over me.