Every week you attend practice. You warm up, catch up with your teammates, learn new skills and improve on older skills, improve on your skating and playing, piece by piece.
Roller derby is a sport that the vast majority adore. It gives you a greater sense of who you are as a person, allows you to grow in ways you didn’t think possible and opens doors for your emotional and mental states of mind. You fall in love with roller derby for a variety of reasons, never once contemplating that derby may actually kick you in the face when you least expect it, when you hit a negative wall – even with your teammates and friends around you, supporting you, it is you who is generally the only person who can make a change for the better.
Roller derby is a very physical game, but it is also a game where strategy and mental strength as both a team and individual is critical. When your body is taking a battering, your mind needs to be a beacon of strength and focus.
With the events of the last week, I have been really questioning myself. Questioning what I want, whether I am a good person, whether I am good enough for anything. Although this is titled when to question / be thankful, this isn’t a this is what you do post. Continue reading “When to question and when to be thankful – taking stock of what you have.”
So it happened, I am in mourning over lost comrades and band mates. A big part of my life is over.
Sunday 1st February 2015. The day I finally got to represent my league.
Continue reading “The big day! My first A Team Hellfire Harlots bout!”
12 days in to the new year, I have already slipped up on my aspirations for 2015. But you know what? I’m not beating myself up about it. I have not failed and I have not given up, simply hit my first wall in a long line of bricks to break down.
Rolling out of 2014 into 2015… Some pictures, some thank yous, some feels…
Continue reading “Christmas and New Years – Hello 2015!”
When I wrote my last post, I was travelling back to Nottingham sat in a car, I couldn’t wait until I reached home to write. I was full of emotion and happy and on a mega derby high! When we got back, I filled my belly with lots of food and then had a bath (after letting the food go down of course!) Laying in the bath, soothing my bumps and bruises and resting my wankle, I reflected on the days events.
As I sat there, it all hit me. I was well and truly overwhelmed thinking about my day and playing for Team Metal Legs. I won’t lie, I cried. But it was a happy cry. For the first time in a very long time, I felt proud of my achievements on skates.
In the changing rooms before the game, our TML captain Rosie gave us a pep talk and she had us each go round the room and say what we wanted to do today, our own little goals. I was not too sure what I really wanted out of the day, as my first bout back post break and first real time to get stuck in as a blocker and a jammer, I mainly wanted to survive the bout. At which point a few who didn’t know it was my first time back were so lovely and were both nervous and excited for me which made me feel in good company, one who really helped me out had played in the last Team Metal Legs game, and that bout was her first bout back post break so it meant a lot to have her support and understanding! My other goals were to be able to block hard and work together with people, as well as get my confidence back up to jam. I have lost a lot of confidence and belief in myself recently with some down days and unfortunate situations, so the nerves were definitely there, at one point in the warm up I suddenly thought that I could not do it, I simply could not play, I was not good enough to be there and I was going to let everyone down…. just a maddening sickening rush of thoughts. But we went on, warmed up, skated out, got ready in first line ups. As I sat there waiting in line ups, it hit me how lucky I was to be skating alongside these ladies. Each girl was filled with so much positivity and excitement, the support was more than I could have asked for, and without Team Metal Legs that day I think I would have found it much harder to come back mentally to the game.
I started out blocking, finding my feet again, digging down and getting used to hits again. Some of the ladies had played together in the last TML bout together, some of us were new to the team, but the way in which we all found a way to skate our own way but together as a team was actually pretty damn beautiful. We were all able to talk to each other, listen to each other, do what the jammers wanted us to do, do what our bench wanted us to do, all of this whilst skating to our own individual strengths, the way in which TML came together as a team was just amazing to be a part of. Off skates for TML we had the lovely LUM Charlotte, who had stepped in last minute for us, thrown together last minute line-ups with new additions and changes as well as keeping us rowdy bunch in check throughout the game! And our surprise bench Mimey who had simply come to watch and support the team! SURPRISE BENCH! Big love to Phoenix our original bench who had sadly had to take another trip to hospital, serious love to you and I really hope that you heal up soon and we see you lovely!! Early on, Charlotte handed me the jammer panty. I was nervous about jamming, but as a team who had few specialised jammers, it was only fair that we all did some time. So I jammed. And it was incredible! I felt so comfortable and at ease, letting my instinct as a skater and jammer take over, my laterals, spins and turns were there, I even managed to push the opposing blockers – which is pretty hard when you are playing Hulls Angels A Team! I have to hand it to H.A.R.D, they have a strong blocking line-up and they really gave us everything they had with no letting up, so to be able to push three blockers along the straight (and even watch it on video!!) was something that I had been trying to build my confidence in and have in my arsenal. After my first jam, Charlotte threw me the jammer panty quite a bit more. And I have to thank her for doing that. I needed to remind myself, show myself that I could jam. The feedback from my teammates also hit me hard, the fact they supported me and gave me such positive feedback about my performance just made my heart swell. With a strong blocking team who held H.A.R.D’s jammer back and gave me some amazing offense, I was so proud to say I was part of that team! And being able to block with these blockers, help our jammers out, working on my offense and defence, making sure I was communicating and listening to my pivot and teammates to make sure we were a unit, it all helped me to really strengthen my ability and skills as a blocker. Of course there are moments I look at and wish I had done different things, been better, played a little bit smarter, I had a few learning curves but as Rosie said, it was for funsies. We played for funsies and I came out the other side with more than you could ever realise.
It was just an amazing hour of roller derby that really did finish way too soon!
Rainbow Smite, Rosie, Skye Bruise, Bob, Mother Mercy (or Hammer, depending on where you look!), Dr Jean Knockout, Hurrikane Katrina, Shock N Awedrey, Greek Frightening, Feral Fairy, Pyscho-Sis, Charlotte & Mimey. Thank you all for believing in me when I didn’t even believe in myself, thank you for being there, thank you for the support and the love, thank you for just being you. You badasses.
So to you, my Team Metal Legs teamies, I have this to say.
You are a group of absolutely beautiful ladies, who are way too modest, who are so genuinely friendly and welcoming with wide open derby arms, who have endured and fought through the physical and mental hell that has been thrown at you, you have conquered the world to return to the sport that we love so passionately even when it doesn’t always love us. You are not only amazing people, but you are all badasses on track. You ladies inspire me. You inspired me when I saw you play for the first time as Team Metal Legs, two weeks after I got my cast off, two weeks after I didn’t think I would be able to brave skating again, the two weeks it took me to have hope. And you inspired me even more when you skated alongside me, supporting me, screaming for me. The fact I also got to do that for you too, meant the world to me, I felt like I was able to give back what you gave to me. Many of you were there for me when I was broken, you read my messages, my rants, cried with me, made me laugh, posted crazy cat photos and told me bad jokes, and when you told me that it gets better. You never lied to me, you always told me that it isn’t easy, but coming out the other side makes you a stronger person. And you were all there for me when I came back. You made my heart swell a thousand sizes on December 14th 2014. That day will stay with me for a very long time. The day I returned to bouting, the day I got my derby back, the day that it was all down to you ladies.
Team Metal Legs, I freaking love you.
Let’s do it again yes?
So I write this from the shower with arms stretched out of the water (brave I know…) a short post (or at least intended to be), one that reminds you of the support you can be to other people.
In the last 24 hours, I have had a couple of conversations with people, in which they have either asked for help and guidance or I have just offered it without request. Yes, there are definitely times you should and should not offer, but you need to know most when it is needed.
As human beings, we have two ways of dealing with things when the chips are down or you are struggling on your own . 1) To carry on, needing help but not wanting to ask for fear of seeming weak or for fear of being a burden. 2) Those who ask for help when they genuinely need it.
Some would say type 2 are weak for asking, but I personally say it takes courage. Some would say type 1 don’t care, but they do. As human beings it isn’t programmed into our brains to ask, it surely isn’t programmed into us that we need to ask. And asking if people need help can be scary and it can often be highly unlikely. There are many reasons and many arguements for both types. But at the end of the day, neither type is better or worse than the other, what we all need is a little bit of help and support.
Whether that help be advice and guidance, an ear you lend to listen, a face you see for a cuppa, some form of help and support. As I stated previously in posts, the world is filled with people trying to take you down without you helping them out.
I have felt honoured that people have held me in such a respect to ask me for guidance and support. Whether it is due to a similar experience or circumstances, whether it’s just because a respected and honest opinion. I have also felt honoured to have some wonderful friends in my life who I feel I can offer support and guidance to, without them needing to ask.
You are surrounded by people who you love in various ways, who support you and vice versa, you may not always see them, they may have a busy schedule, they may not goto the same things anymore, they may even have moved to the Netherlands (here’s looking at you Mika! ❤ ) – but throughout them being there physically or not, they are there to support you regardless. And know that deep down, neither of you have expectations of each other, you are the way you are because you want to be, not because you have to be.
Take a moment each day to think about at least one other person in your life. Just a message or a phone call, a cup of tea/coffee, an evening out, even just a smile in the street. Just something that lets them know that you are there, and that you want to be there for them. Wherever they are.
Til next time little blue monsters xx