First bout back post break.

Today was a big deal for me. Today was my first bout back post break. I won’t lie, I was nervous and worried about letting the team down. But I was also excited and determined to block and jam to the best of my ability!

The ladies of Team Metal Legs are just fantastic, so understanding and just awesome. They were great throughout and made me feel more comfortable and relaxed. Funsies!

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So I did it. Today I blocked and I jammed. I followed my gutt instinct and just let my body do what felt natural and the best way to move around track. And it was AWESOME!!

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I stopped jammers, worked well with other blockers, communicated and didn’t get any penalties! I jammed my butt off, juking and pushing, I got back up anytime I found myself down, I scored points, I called it at the right times with bench assistance, and did I mention I didn’t get any penalties?!?

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I went there with the aim of just having fun, getting back into skating in a bout situation, learning from other skaters and working with new skaters, generally surviving the bout. But the fact that I got so much out of it in terms of confidence in myself and my own ability, the fact I now better appreciate the ability to adapt to new skaters and situations as well as appreciating the skaters I am used to working with, it has just given me such a boost. I can still play roller derby and I can still play well!! The fact that I had fun and gained so much on a personal level was awesome, BUT we did a win too!!

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So there is hope, and something that seems scary can really turn out to be a huge turning point in the way you see yourself and the things that you are capable of doing. I skated hard, I skated for me – to prove to myself that I can still do this! – and I also made new friends along the way.

I have a lot of love for Rosie today, she has consistently believed in me and my ability, and today I skated not only to make me happy, but to make her proud also. She always pushes me to be a better skater and player, she supported me throughout my break and coming back to skating post break, and she has just been an awesome beast!! Without her I probably wouldn’t have agreed to play in a TML bout, but I am bloody glad I did!!

Thank you Rosie!

And thank you Team Metal Legs! Who know a broken ankle would lead to such a positive and loving place.

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Short loving and supportive post

So I write this from the shower with arms stretched out of the water (brave I know…) a short post (or at least intended to be), one that reminds you of the support you can be to other people.

In the last 24 hours, I have had a couple of conversations with people, in which they have either asked for help and guidance or I have just offered it without request. Yes, there are definitely times you should and should not offer, but you need to know most when it is needed.

As human beings, we have two ways of dealing with things when the chips are down or you are struggling on your own . 1) To carry on, needing help but not wanting to ask for fear of seeming weak or for fear of being a burden. 2)  Those who ask for help when they genuinely need it.

Some would say type 2 are weak for asking, but I personally say it takes courage. Some would say type 1 don’t care, but they do. As human beings it isn’t programmed into our brains to ask, it surely isn’t programmed into us that we need to ask. And asking if people need help can be scary and it can often be highly unlikely. There are many reasons and many arguements for both types. But at the end of the day, neither type is better or worse than the other, what we all need is a little bit of help and support.

Whether that help be advice and guidance, an ear you lend to listen, a face you see for a cuppa, some form of help and support. As I stated previously in posts, the world is filled with people trying to take you down without you helping them out.

I have felt honoured that people have held me in such a respect to ask me for guidance and support. Whether it is due to a similar experience or circumstances, whether it’s just because a respected and honest opinion. I have also felt honoured to have some wonderful friends in my life who I feel I can offer support and guidance to, without them needing to ask.

You are surrounded by people who you love in various ways, who support you and vice versa, you may not always see them, they may have a busy schedule, they may not goto the same things anymore, they may even have moved to the Netherlands (here’s looking at you Mika! ❤ ) – but throughout them being there physically or not, they are there to support you regardless. And know that deep down, neither of you have expectations of each other, you are the way you are because you want to be, not because you have to be.

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Take a moment each day to think about at least one other person in your life. Just a message or a phone call, a cup of tea/coffee, an evening out, even just a smile in the street. Just something that lets them know that you are there, and that you want to be there for them. Wherever they are.

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Til next time little blue monsters xx

#‎harlothappybody

So. The lovely Finn Furious of the Harlots posted some fantastic blog pieces in the last week on the Official Hellfire Harlots website.

Two well written and well thought out posts on body confidence, and one which has seen some fantastic examples of loving your body. AKA. #‎harlothappybody

I wanted to join in and show that I too can love my body. However this is hard. I am a person who cannot stand the reflection in the mirror and hates seeing my physical state in some picture a friend tagged me in etc.

Since struggling with my weight and what to eat as a young gymnast I have not yet managed to get out of this not being good enough grasp. Throw in a few bullies and people who make you feel as though you do not look right or do not look as good as someone else. At one point I ended up in tears in a room in Northamptonshire Harley Medical.

In the last few years I have improved my diet and worked harder to look after my body a little better.

So of the examples given in Finns post, I decided to mix it up and use a variety of her examples. Stuff I have learnt to love and stuff I don’t like but can find positives in. So I guess it is still Harlothappybody – just done in a ‘Cidal way?

My body shape : I am what “the fashion people” call a pear shape it would appear. I am bottom heavy with a small chest. I have always felt very odd standing next to groups of females with wonderful hourglass figures or very slim or athletic builds.
The positive? I fit quite well into original vintage pieces/sizing. That and having more weight in my bottom half helps me stay upright a little easier in derby stance!

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My derby gap (and thunder thighs) : This is a biggy for me. My derby gap. Or “lack of thigh gap”. I have thunder thighs. I have been involved in sports which focus heavily on building leg muscle from a very young age, at which point I did completely cut out sport at the drop of a hat. Bye bye muscle, hello fatty tissue. I am very self-conscious about my thunder thighs, I have sometimes walked in the office in trousers and depending on the material heard them rubbing together as I walked. Teamed with my wide hips these have made finding comfortable jeans difficult. It is only in the last two years I have felt confident enough to buy and wear skinny jeans and tight spandex trousers. It will take some time and hard work to improve these. I still feel uncomfortable wearing shorts without tights, or wearing shorts that come above a certain point on my thigh. I am pale and the stretch marks & cellulite on my thighs show as plain as day.
The positive? The power I get from each push and every crossover on track.

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My hips and butt : I have what many people have called “Child bearing hips.” I am wide. The ladies in my family have always generally had wide-ish hips. Turns out I am no different. The suckiest thing about this is that I cannot do anything about them. I have also had a hip operation on my left side so I do have a 5″ scar which on the surface still has not fully healed. But because I cannot do anything about the width of hip bone, I have had to get over it and learn to live with and love them. Also my butt has become more derby in the last year. YES!
The positive? FEAR MY BUTT IN A WALL! Having a set of wide hips with a butt between each side is powerful when you can get low, dig in and hold someone behind you whether it is on your own or in a wall! Lock those hips together and BOOM! The extra width is good for positional blocking and if necessary gets a good swing on a hip hit!

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My belly : I had always been slender in my younger years but upon reaching my teenage years and eating a little bit for comfort my tummy filled out a little. I went from 8 stone, to 10 stone which felt awful for me. I currently sit between 9.5 – 10.6 generally and this fluctuates. I try not to weigh myself. My main feeling surrounding my body and the idea of weight is that I simply want to my body to be healthy. My tummy has dispersed a little the more I have improved my diet and started exercising more often but it is still there. And I like it because it’s where food (CAKE) goes 🙂
The positive? My belly holds my core strength and my belly is happy when it is fed.

I thought a picture of cake was better than my belly.. I wanted to see cake anyway... CAKE GOES IN MY BELLY!
I thought a picture of cake was better than my belly.. I wanted to see cake anyway… CAKE GOES IN MY BELLY!

 

My arms : Ok. I admit. My arms don’t exactly bug me so much. Probably one of the things I don’t mind about me. I don’t like how pale and hairy they are… but arms you help me carry things. I think with a little more toning up I’m ok!
The positive? I found something I actually don’t hate about my body!

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My feet : I have monkey hobbit feet. My feet are just plain horrible. They have undergone years of gymnastics and skating. Don’t look at my feet. Ever.
The positive? I like my feet. They help me skate!

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*NOT AN ACTUAL REPRESENTATION!* (Also.. not that hairy either. But my feet are disgusting so this will do.)

My chest : My chest is again a biggy for me. I have a small chest thanks to gymnastics and figure skating. I have a small chest and wide hips, so I do not look at all in proportion whatsoever. It makes me sad and very self-conscious. This is one of two reasons I attended the Harley Medical clinic in Northampton. When I put top on to see the difference, I did cry. I cried at how my body looked so in proportion and so womanly for once. In the end, I never went under the knife (obviously). Due to financial and generally being too scared reasons I never changed them.
The positive? I have a handful of boob? I’m not too sure what exactly the positive is bar not having anything explode or go wrong in my chest… BUT it has meant I can still wear size 8-10 dresses which flare out on the hips which makes me look a little more slender? Also. Small boobs don’t get hit as much as big boobs on the track!

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My nose : Ok. This is something I really hate about myself. As plain as the nose on my face. (HAH! I MADE A FUNNY!) I despise my nose with a passion. This is number two reason for Harley Medical. I feel as though it is fat and piggylike and makes my facial features look very masculine. Why is it still fat piggylike and masculine? Because I sing. After speaking with professionals I found out it would affect my singing/breathing ability. No. Thank. You.

The positive? Erm… I didn’t change my nose so I kind of have to live with it and try to get on with it? It is there. On my face. Every day. Also it isn’t so bad when I get hit in the face because it is fat squishy nose already? I’m actually stuck with this one.

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My face other than my nose : I like my chubby hamster cheeks. I like my eyes. I dislike how masculine/boy like I look with my man features. I do not look feminine. Nope. Chubby manhamster.
The positive? MY CHEEKS STORE FOOD! I like chubby cheeks because it makes your smile seem better. And my eyes see things. My eyes are also a nice shade of green and sparkly! (Yeah.. I kinda just stopped thinking at this point..)

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Being happy with yourself?

Being happy with yourself is an incredibly hard point to reach in your life. I have met many wonderful people who are happy with who they are and let negativity wash over them, these people are also usually much more motivated than most. I have been told that being happy with yourself is truely self rewarding.

I am not happy with myself. Every so often I reach a point where I feel a bit more confident and think am I happy with me? Heck yeah! But then it usually goes downhill the next couple of days.

Like many females, image is a hard thing to accept. I have endured bullies and negative comments, people who were meant to be trusted, those who break you down.

I have been working hard to let things just go over my head, ignore comments like water off a ducks back. But there are people who do not understand that a joke can actually really affect someone.

As a young girl, I was involved in competitive solo sports and whislt I did have positive experiences, there are negatives to which I do feel would make me cautious about ever putting my own child through that (children are not in my planned future, but god forbid!). Figure skating and gymnastics are two highly competitive sports, which surround you with particular types of people. I personally always joined in with sport because it was something I felt I was good at and I enjoyed, I was not the type of person who was motivated to the point of being the best and putting others down in the process. I have always been happy plodding along at my own pace, working hard and focusing on areas I wanted to work on, areas I knew I needed improvement in. However as a 9 year old girl, a mean and verbally abusive coach was not a welcome environment. Any female who takes part in a sport such as dancing, figure skating and gymnastics will have endured this feeling of not only being pushed to feel as though you are not good enough at the sport you work hard in, but also to be berated about your weight and figure.

I am a naturally curvy female genetically. I am a size 8 waist, size 10 chest with size 10-12 hips. I have never been happy with my hips however I have tried more to appreciate them, often referred to as “Child bearing hips” (eurgh..) and informed many ladies would like to have full hips. Now I personally have never met these ladies. I have also endured people commenting that if I’m not happy, I could lose a fair bit of weight from my hips. Well.. actually.. no. There is a tiny bit of pudge I can lose on my hips, but when actually felt? Bone. Like the other ladies in my family, I have naturally wide hip bones.

I admit, I am not as in shape as I would like to be, and I have been gradually trying to increase this through small and suitablly short bursts of exercise at home. My ME does not necessarily allow me to do as much exercise as I would like or reach the incredible levels of fitness others have. But I feel so guilty and horrible in myself when people make me feel awful because of the difference between my fitness level and body with theirs.

During primary school, I was a very happy go lucky child and never paid much attention, at one point I was one of the tallest girls in school! However as puberty took over and the people around me changed and started maturing, the last year of primary and transfer to secondary saw the start of many negative experiences. The last 15 years or so in which I have gone through social situations and whatnot, I have experienced much negativity. And this has dampened my motivation. I often feel as though my body is disgusting and that I am overweight and need to save for surgery. But then I also go through emotions along the lines of why bother. Why do I feel these? The accumulation of years of verbal and mental abuse essentially.

At 24, I am a healthy female. I am 5 ft 4, my weight fluxuates between 9.6 – 10.5 stone. I do not eat as healthily as I would like, but I do eat a variety of foods and I have in the last two years reduced the amount of sugary fatty foods I eat as I have felt happier. I currently undertake two nights of roller derby a week and I hope when I move house to go to the gym with my other half and do more low impact forms of exercise such as swimming.

But there are still comments and jokes around my weight and fitness or general looks. It is difficult. And I know that it is not just females who struggle with this. But how do you deal with it? How can you be happy with you? Why can others not let you be happy being you?

I think before someone judges or makes comments, someone must take great care in what they think. Confidence, self-esteem, happiness, just because you may have it, doesn’t mean we all do. But it also doesn’t mean that who we are is necessarily who we want to be. One day I will walk through a room with confidence instead of with my head down.

Since my return to roller derby and joining the Hellfire Harlots, I have felt more at ease with not feeling happy with myself. I have met women of a variety of backgrounds, ages, body shapes, fitness levels and abilities, all of whom are strong women. These women come together and there is this understanding that some are very serious and competitive about their fitness and roller derby whilst some of us may be working to achieve that and others take part in roller derby for fun. It makes them no less of an athlete or derby player. No-one makes negative comments around other girls weights or looks, some people in the derbyverse may not get on but generally the physicallity of things are not brought into things (bar some comments I have heard surrounding certain body types make better jammers/blockers – which I heavily disagree with!)

 I have been shopping around for a dress to wear to the Harlots big birthday ball which is a posh do for us derby girls in which we have to dress the part! Black tie – exciting! I wanted to find a dress which for once made me look beautiful, lady like and elegant. And I guess part of this post started around this, wanting to feel beautiful for one night, not worrying about your shape or natural features because you are too busy feeling like a princess. Yes. I said it. A princess. Sadly superheroes aren’t as glamourous when it comes to ballgowns! But I have felt very negative along with odd comments making me feel more downhearted surrounding what I will look like in a posh dress. The dress is going to wear me!

So. I don’t really know why I wrote this post, bar I guess getting things off my chest about feeling low.  It is crazy to think that some people spend so much time focusing on things, to think about how much they are missing out on, some people do need that focus as a purpose in life, but my question to those people? Are you happy being you? I think inner happiness is truely subjective. You could have it all and still not be truely happy. But my main goal for myself is to have inner happiness. One day, I will be happy just being me. And every day is a step closer to that. I am currently trying to enjoy each day I have and my as MamaCidal has always told me, aslong as you have your health and your family everything else can always be sorted.

Til next time BlueMonsters x

Your mind. Don’t forget it!

LUNCH TIME POST! Whilst you are eating lunch, I am writing and eating! You can probably tell this was written over lunch due to the all over nature but hey ho!!

Last night I had a moment in which I felt like I had slipped into the past, found myself in a dark place in my mind. I had become too hung up on how I felt after seeing myself in those images and looking at those measurements.

It got me thinking, we spend so much time worrying about and being concerned with our physical fitness, we only see part of the bigger picture that is our health.

What about your mind? Your mental/emotional health? This post may come across as a jumble of thoughts and sentences, I may go back and rewrite this to make sense after I have finished the post itself… but it may be better to bit and bob as though I’m talking to you directly. Heck… that was a sentence of ramble! I am hoping this will make sense and resonate with some of you out there. It is difficult to put this out there and put into the right words and I can garuntee I will have missed some important bits but I am going to try my best. Also this is a bit of a longer post…

In roller derby I have seen many girls, myself included hit some pretty hard walls – both physical and mental. (Not just the hall walls…) At what point during 27 in 5 or 100 laps do you tell yourself your body can’t take it? At what point do you tell yourself “Don’t be stupid, you can not do this!” At what point do you realise that it is just mind games? You have the ability to do it so why are you stopping yourself?

The mind is ridiculously strong and I remember being told in school to “exercise your mind as well as your body!”

At some point you sit down and reflect on the day, the week, the year – maybe even the time ahead of you. Whether this happens when you sit down after work or that moment you are in bed about to go to sleep… or if like me – you struggle with your mind and have no idea how to hit the off switch!

You find yourself stressing and worrying, getting worked up over things that sometimes have not even happened yet! As for moments that have happened? They have happened. What can you do to change it? Unless your last name is McFly and you are working with someone called Doc Brown, you are out of luck. I have stressed and made myself sick worrying – and most of the time it has been all for nothing, so I am often asked by friends and MamaCidal – why? What does it achieve? Do not beat yourself up. instead look at what happened, think about what you would do differently in the future if the situation arises again, think about what you want to do from here on in. Take the negative and turn it into a positive.

We make many mistakes and endure many learning curves as it is simply part of our nature – human error.

I have heard it before, girls complaining that they are fat when they have nothing on them or turning to extreme “solutions” – media and peer pressure. Guys feeling they have to act a certain way to be accepted by other guys – media and peer pressure. Yes – there are always other underlying issues surrounding peoples mental states and the above is just a standard example. But it isn’t too far from the truth, we are taught and reminded that there is a certain way you must be in society and even though your mind is strong – it is surprising how easily suseptable you really are. It seems silly reading magazines as a young teenage girl in which they offered advice on how to be pretty rather than how to be happy. No-one really teaches you as a young person about how much your mental health really means, how important it is to look after your mind and emotional state. How easy it is to tell yourself once every day that you are pretty, you are smart, that you can pick something you like about yourself or something positive someone has told you about yourself – and repeat that, tell yourself. It is incredible how the smallest things can be so powerful, I have read odd stories in which young men/women were going to take their own lives, but they didn’t – why? Because they said someone, one person, took the time to acknowledge them, simply smile at them. As a teenager I struggled with this, I had moments of madness where I felt like it was too much, that I shouldn’t be here, I experienced things which will stay with me forever and people who did/said things which have haunted me for years. But… I will not let that rule me. I have fought tooth and nail to be come the person I am today, and when people ask if I have regrets and would do anything differently? Yes. There will always be an essence of regret in areas of my life, more the regret that I was so stupid at the time, but change anything? No. If I were to change anything, today would not be today and my life would not be my life. The way in which things happened in 2011/2012.. all led to me finding what it means to be truely happy, in addition to me getting Oakley doggins! The way in which things happened in 2013… led to me finding a great job with great people, led to buying a first house and joining my roller derby team – thus giving me back my derby passion and a group of wonderful ladies to call my friends and my bestest friend.

I have learnt that much of the struggle is surrounding yourself with the right people, making sure you have positive influences around you. Take for instance my derby wife Karat, who is there to kick my ass when I’m being negative or when I’m letting myself be defeated too easily but is there when I get upset and I stress and need a good friend to just chill out with. It has taken me over a decade to reach this place and I still have a long way to go in being happy with myself.

You may be like me. I am happy with everything around me. But there is still part of me which feels as though I am not good enough. After a while of moping and beating myself up, going into self destruct mode.. I have “manned up” in a sense. I have looked at everything in perspective and I have decided to start making changes to be happy with myself. I haven’t felt physically attractive, so I have started eating better, played around with my hair and decided that once I tone up I would feel more comfortable in my own skin. Whilst I can make these changes on the outside, I still need to work on the inside. I am constantly being told I have a fantastic personality, that I am a good friend and a fun person to be around. But why don’t I see that?

You know that voice? The one that pops up and questions you? Doubts you? Makes you feel bad about how you looked before you left the house? Yeah. That one. Ignore it. Fight it. I know its always easier said than done but it’s half the battle. Let us look at reviews, how many times have you looked at a review for a product, a film or a place and counted how many negative to positive reviews there were? More negative? Why? Because people like writing bad stuff. They find it easier to write negative things more than positive things. Think about a bad experience you have had with a product/film/place, did you write about it or tell lots of people about it? Now think about a good experience you have had with a product/film/place, did you write about it or tell lots of people about it? See any difference? So where is that voice that congratulates you, that says “YEAH! YOU DID GOOD!”

That positive voice is in there somewhere. But you have to allow it to speak up. Let yourself be positive. Like me, when you feel you need to lose weight, don’t beat yourself up about it, be positive. Set out a game plan, what do you want to do about it? It may be hard getting there but how good would it feel to look back and see how far you have come? Like when Karat got angry and beat herself up over her 27 in 5. She was so angry after this. But the next time we did it? She stood there and was like “Yeah! Wooo!! I’m going to kick 27 in 5s butt!” – Not necessarily in those words but it’s how it happened in my head.

But. She did kick its butt. Why? Because she believed in herself, she had done it before so she definitely knew she could do it, she pushed herself through the physical and mental walls and felt so good for it after! She told that negative voice to “do one.”

Regardless of whether it is sport related or your general life, your mind and emotional state needs looking after. Don’t believe everything you are told or read whether this is through social networks, friends, social groups or the media. Try the best you can to make the judgement of whether or not you should let it affect you. When that voice pops up to tell you that you can’t do this? You answer it back with confidence and attitude – Yes. I. Can. And if you don’t do it? You will next time. You tell yourself that and let it motivate you. As Karat said to me last night, use it “use it to motivate you.”

Stress? In this day and age, impossible to avoid. But it can be dealt with. Manage it.Safe coping strategies. Good support.

Self destruct? I get you. I totally get you. It is easy to fall into and it is hard to come back from. But you can fight it. It may take time, I still struggle on the very rare ocassion, but soon? I hope to find that button has gone for good – why? My family and my friends teamed with determination to fight for my happiness and positive mental state.

Whatever you do, do not let it control you and do not let it trick you into coping through more negative means (i.e. alcohol, harm, narcotics etc).

Reach out to someone. It can seem like an impossible task and I thought that before, I figured that if I am not happy with myself how can anyone else be? How unfair is it to put my burden on someone else? For me, much of this feeling comes from being made not to feel good enough by others. Being told I’m not pretty enough, small enough, funny enough, being lied to and broken down. Yes. This is hard. But if you don’t fight for it, how can you truely appreciate and enjoy it?

Write about it. Or find something you can channel your passion and effort into. You may be passionate but you need to team that passion with effort and motivation. Or just do something silly like buy a puzzle toy that will keep your mind occupied and focused for even a short period of time. Small yet positive distractions can be a good coping strategy which aids your ability to push negativity out of your mind.

Set yourself small goals. Even if it is something as small as smiling at yourself in the mirror before you leave the house or ignoring that voice and telling it to go away.

Find time for you. Most of us work, some part time some full time, and regardless of how many hours or what you do as a job, it is draining on both your body and your mind. But find some time for yourself. Let your mind turn off for a bit. If you are a couple find something you both enjoy or just watch a film together – you don’t have to talk, just sit and enjoy being together. And those with families? I know it is nearly impossible for you to have some you time, but if you talk to each other and figure out even a scheduled period of you time then it can be achieved. Or do something relaxing as a family, go for a walk in the park or a bicycle ride. I don’t know! This is completely up to you.

Rejoice in everything you have, you may feel at first like you have very little but really look at your life and be thankful for everything/everyone you are blessed with. You may have little family or little friends, but those who are there? Those are wondrous people. Remember the saying – you don’t know what you have til it’s gone? The vast majority who have experienced this vote it to be true.

Tell yourself atleast one positive thing about yourself every day. Ask friends and family to write positive things about you – whether it be about you or about an expereince or event they shared with you, put them into a jar, and when you feel as though you might just be falling back – read one.

Smile more often. And laugh. Even if it is at yourself. So many of my friends laugh with me, but a majority of the time they are laughing at me (but only in a positive sense for something silly I did and I am already laughing at myself about it). And you know what? Even if it is just for a split second, you are happy and relaxed, you are you. And that split second? That shows you that it is possible. It may be difficult, but it is more than possible.

Just remember, there is never an easy fix for mental health and happiness. Like weight loss, it won’t happen in a short period of time. But once you break through that wall? Who knows.

MamaCidal has always told me to calm the heck down. That aslong as I have my family, good friends and health – life is good.

And in regards to that annoying little voice and the people that push you to beating yourself up? As my NaNa (RIP) used to say “Don’t let the b******s get you down”. If she at the age of 80 odd could be such a lively and happy soul then screw feeling like this, at the age of 24 with everything in life still to come why can’t I have the same mindframe! Why can’t you!

So be happy and be good to your mind because one day you are going to need your mind to be good to you. And wear a helmet derby girls. A good one!

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I would just like to point out that whilst you can read many blogs like this and specially dedicated blogs focusing on your mental health and wellbeing, nothing can account or replace professional help. In some circumstances this is important, and the biggest fight is admitting that you need this help. So if you do, then please speak to someone and find out about this level of help. Whilst all the things I talk about here can help, it can only do so much.

30 Day Plank and Legs Challenge

Following on from my last post…. tonight is day 1 of my 30 day plank and leg challenge.

These are the challenges I’m setting myself:

Sexy Legs Workout: 15 minute workout for leg and core muscular endurance. Squats, Lunges, Calf Raises

I have been a little bit nervous about posting an image of my body in its current state, I used to model and so have been so used to others seeing me in a different light altogether. For instance:

I miss being this way. I admit it. I really do. I know my thighs and butt will be derby forever but I can atleast try to get back to this somehow?? When I took the below measurements and saw the images, I admit… I did get quite upset. I never thought I looked as though I’d got to this point, didn’t think I really looked quite that big. I didn’t really want to share this after a wave of oh my gosh is that what I really look like??

But I figure if I’m going to do this, I need to man up! To quote Karat & Tankerbell “Man up princess!”  (I think I need this on a sign!)

I like to feel like this is a safe place so to speak. I hope that if you are reading this blog you are someone who won’t judge or be mean, but that you will support me. Or may even use it as a push for yourself. I am hoping these things work and I will see at least some difference before I sign my life away to the gym.

I am unsure if it just because I am focusing too much on the images, I haven’t really put weight on since this was taken for instance. So is it just me looking too much into it? I don’t think it looks like the same body if not for tattoos!

So here goes…

Current measurements:
Bust: 37″
Waist: 30″ (a far cry from my 24″ waist days…!!)
Hips: 39″ (this doesn’t seem to have changed since the last time I measured… 2008…)
Thighs: 23″ (both L+R)
Arms: 12″ (both L+R)

So… me on day 1:

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I meant to post this before I did my day one, but this will just include what happened.

I admit it. It hurt. More than I thought it would do initially. I can definitely recommend the Tribesport sexy legs as a decent workout for your legs! The plank also hurt. I am unsure whether there will be any visible change between now and day 30. I hope there will be. Fingers crossed!

Shape up or ship out!

So.. at the end of 2013 I decided I no longer wanted to have a stupid idea of what size/weight I wanted to get back down to.

I used to be around the 8 stone mark. Now this I admit was when I used to do more exercise and near the end of my gymnast days. And before I gained the despicable things that are horrifically called “child bearing hips.” I have had a moan before about hating how big my hips are and that I always feel larger because of them and the usual response is “Well lose some weight then.” Now. The problem here is that when you look at them properly, the main width on my hips is bone structure. I do have some excess I feel I could lose to help shape up a bit but the way I am built seems to run in the family.

Currently my clothing sizes sit like this (but don’t add up in my measurements?? thanks clothing companies!)
– Chest : 10
– Waist : 8
– Hips : 12

Oh and did I mention that I stand at the (not so) gargantuous height of 5 ft 4?

Last time I weighed myself (near christmas…) I was around the 11.6 stone mark. I know that getting back to 8 stone would be a horrific task and at my current age and the way my body shape has developed, would not be healthy in the slightest. And with derby (and pretty much all types of exercise…) once general body fat is reduced, any other fat converts to muscle in the process – or something like that. All I know is muscle weighs more than fat. End of.

So I am trying not to focus on what weight I want to be or what weight I will end up. I may weigh myself now and then again further down the line out of curiosity, but I refuse to get hung up on this.

My main focus is to be healthier. I also hope to increase my stamina/endurance levels & core strength.

I want to reduce my body fat and tone up – I have a bit of excess weight to lose – mostly around my thighs from the lack of exercise since gymnastics and figure skating gave me muscular legs. Initially. And also needing work: my lower ab section.

I have done some research into 30 day challenges and found it is a great starting point to increase levels of workouts and then I hope to get into a better routine and daily fitness regime to keep fit and maintain body tone. I have since produced an Excel file which includes 30 day challenges for the following: Abs, Squats, Crunches, Planks, Thighs, Arms. I have also found TribeSports to be a fantastic source who have an awesome blog around fitness and exercise ideas.

I have ran these past my derby wife and Misfit Jevo who were the ideal overseers with their fitness knowledge, and after putting together and producing a variety of papers for their enjoyment… they have given me a starting point.

Tonight I start a 30 day challenge.

I will be mixing two challenges – safely! The 30 day planking challenge alongside a 15 minute thigh/leg workout. Every night. For 30 days.

At the start, middle and end of these 30 days I will post updates.

As stated – I will be aiming to put together a continuous fitness regime to keep the work up. And when me and the Man eventually move to Mansfield full time, it will be easier to see the girls and go do some off skates/cross training together.