So I’ve been very quiet the last couple of years. Very quiet. My life has changed quite a bit in the last year and a half, big changes personally and I’ve been getting my life back on track over the last few months.
I’m a little bit on cloud nine this week. I have post bout feels and this week I also learnt I was the lucky recipient of the Captains Award for the B team game! So many feels and I even did a happy cry!!
With the events of the last week, I have been really questioning myself. Questioning what I want, whether I am a good person, whether I am good enough for anything. Although this is titled when to question / be thankful, this isn’t a this is what you do post. Continue reading “When to question and when to be thankful – taking stock of what you have.”
In roller derby, we are striving to do things to the best of our abilities. We turn up, we learn things, we practice things, we keep going until we can do them and we continue to use them in drills and game play.
12 days in to the new year, I have already slipped up on my aspirations for 2015. But you know what? I’m not beating myself up about it. I have not failed and I have not given up, simply hit my first wall in a long line of bricks to break down.
January 7th 2015, I turned 25. If you read my last post, you will see that this year I am trying to implement a new more positive attitude in everything I do in life. Now I am 25, I feel even more like a real adult (who still enjoys the birthday presents based on Disney, Pixar and DreamWorks characters…!!), and being a real adult for me means becoming more my own person, a stronger person, an older wiser me. Sort of…
That time has rolled around again, the point in the year that everyone makes resolutions and then breaks them within the month. On the whole, resolutions last for the first month, maybe two of the year. Once broken, they are completely forgotten about. That is my issue with the idea of resolutions. It’s like telling yourself that you won’t eat that chocolate bar or you won’t buy a more roller derby stuff, it’s going to happen.
Rolling out of 2014 into 2015… Some pictures, some thank yous, some feels…
Continue reading “Christmas and New Years – Hello 2015!”
Tonight I had a bit of a moment. Tonight I experienced a little bit of the Fear again. The Fear for me? Jumping.
I realise that this may seem absurd coming from an ex-figure skater. Surely I must be mad? Well yes and no. I loved jumping, I loved mid air spins, the contortions you could make your body do and the ways in which you can take off and land. But when it comes to jumping in derby? It’s a different kettle of fish. It’s a different style of skating, you hold yourself in a different manner and in derby you aim to use your body to help or hinder.
I had the Fear and shutdown tonight, watching some of our springier skaters practicing apex jumps and the likes. I would love to be able to do apex jumps or jump around people the way they do, but I can’t. I freeze with the Fear. At first I just put it down to jumping near other people, but I competed as both a solo and group skater. I have jumped, span and tricked my way through routines side by side with other skaters. I trust my team mates so the issue isn’t that, but what is it??
I have felt a little odd doing jumps post break, originally started with caution, now I feel more confident and I do now seem to be able to jump stronger through my wankle (thank you physio! Best do the other ankle too….!!). The Fear is an odd thing to experience, for some it is down to past experience, for some it is when trying the unknown, for me? I really have no idea. I’d love to do it, but I freeze. I just do. I panic and tense up at the idea of even attempting to jump the apex.
I have not figured out yet how to combat this Fear. Do I push myself to just do it? Or will it make it worse? Some part of me puts it down to simply me being me. I have a great lack of self confidence in my ability and often tell myself that I’m not good enough (for anyone new to this blog at this post, anyone reading before will most likely have full grasp of this!!) – and I generally worry about not being able to do something or spend a lot of time figuring out how to do something. I am coming to terms with the Fear or jumping, but I still have a way to go.
It has taken me a while, for example, to be able to put force and aggression into my jamming skills. Since returning to skating, I figured just go for, hit harder and push more. I haven’t been able to show what I have learnt fully just yet, but 2015 I hope I get to show just how hard I have been working and how much I want to skate! This has seemed like an easier mountain to climb. But as for jumping? I am still working on it. I guess it is natural to find something that challenges you, or that you challenge yourself on.
Always having some point to work to, a goal to reach. It is important to always have things set in your mind. If you want to be somewhere? Then get there. Do what you need to do and get there. Then find somewhere higher you want to go!
Or do what you do if that is what makes you happy. Whether you want to progress or set goals, whether you want to enjoy things and not have a goal, a challenge or a fear to conquer, make sure you know what you want.
Til next time little blue monsters xx
So I write this from the shower with arms stretched out of the water (brave I know…) a short post (or at least intended to be), one that reminds you of the support you can be to other people.
In the last 24 hours, I have had a couple of conversations with people, in which they have either asked for help and guidance or I have just offered it without request. Yes, there are definitely times you should and should not offer, but you need to know most when it is needed.
As human beings, we have two ways of dealing with things when the chips are down or you are struggling on your own . 1) To carry on, needing help but not wanting to ask for fear of seeming weak or for fear of being a burden. 2) Those who ask for help when they genuinely need it.
Some would say type 2 are weak for asking, but I personally say it takes courage. Some would say type 1 don’t care, but they do. As human beings it isn’t programmed into our brains to ask, it surely isn’t programmed into us that we need to ask. And asking if people need help can be scary and it can often be highly unlikely. There are many reasons and many arguements for both types. But at the end of the day, neither type is better or worse than the other, what we all need is a little bit of help and support.
Whether that help be advice and guidance, an ear you lend to listen, a face you see for a cuppa, some form of help and support. As I stated previously in posts, the world is filled with people trying to take you down without you helping them out.
I have felt honoured that people have held me in such a respect to ask me for guidance and support. Whether it is due to a similar experience or circumstances, whether it’s just because a respected and honest opinion. I have also felt honoured to have some wonderful friends in my life who I feel I can offer support and guidance to, without them needing to ask.
You are surrounded by people who you love in various ways, who support you and vice versa, you may not always see them, they may have a busy schedule, they may not goto the same things anymore, they may even have moved to the Netherlands (here’s looking at you Mika! ❤ ) – but throughout them being there physically or not, they are there to support you regardless. And know that deep down, neither of you have expectations of each other, you are the way you are because you want to be, not because you have to be.
Take a moment each day to think about at least one other person in your life. Just a message or a phone call, a cup of tea/coffee, an evening out, even just a smile in the street. Just something that lets them know that you are there, and that you want to be there for them. Wherever they are.
Til next time little blue monsters xx