With the events of the last week, I have been really questioning myself. Questioning what I want, whether I am a good person, whether I am good enough for anything. Although this is titled when to question / be thankful, this isn’t a this is what you do post. Continue reading “When to question and when to be thankful – taking stock of what you have.”
January 7th 2015, I turned 25. If you read my last post, you will see that this year I am trying to implement a new more positive attitude in everything I do in life. Now I am 25, I feel even more like a real adult (who still enjoys the birthday presents based on Disney, Pixar and DreamWorks characters…!!), and being a real adult for me means becoming more my own person, a stronger person, an older wiser me. Sort of…
If you read my last blog post, I noted that myself, Kara and Jevo were moving to the Nottingham Hellfire Harlots. And last night was our first time with them – ooh!!
I will be bluntly honest. I was cacking my little derby panties. I was very excited but also scared at the same time. My satnav offered me two addresses for the location, I was already panicking and at this point my body went into manic panic mode.. well done body..! Got there within a 10 minute journey – not the 20 minutes Google told me. Turned out it should have been the other address around the corner. Doh! But thankfully Nic was at hand to guide me round and wave me into the right place, at which point I joined my bestest in the carpark. My mind was bonkers – instead of putting down my ME on the medical form, I instead chose to write about my allergy to mushrooms… bravo brain… I applaud you..
The practice itself was fantastic! A great warmup, good solid drills and coaching, if this was the beginners group – I cannot wait to see what they have in store for the next level up! Which, when the normal hall floor has been relaid fully, we are allowed to join! Exciting stuff! And we are allowed to hang around in the meantime and work on our skating with the beginner skaters – who I have to say really impressed me for being part way through Fresh Meat! It was such a warm and welcoming atmosphere where we all felt supported and just happy! Totally won over and we are definitely happy to call this league our new derbyhome and derbyfamily.
Yet throughout the first night, I felt crap. Not about the session, not about the league, but about myself. Last night it really hit me just how much my confidence in myself and my ability has been crushed. I was not stable or my usual self on my skates. And me of all people – scared of landing a hit. Usually queen of the track is my favourite, last night however I just lost all ability and confidence. And it sucks. It really sucks because the people and environment offered no threat to me as a person, no attacks or the likes would take place. I should have been Holly on skates and I was essentially (and a term I did not think I would use about myself) a shadow of my former self. Where the hell is my confidence? For the first time in a while, self doubt has taken over.
So I guess there is an interesting mixture of emotions. On the one hand I feel totally stoked and happy with the choice to join HH. On the other? I am upset and dissappointed in myself, for letting myself become this person, letting others break me down and for having lost my confidence.
A new challenge? Maybe. For a while I will slog it out and get upset over it and at some point things will get better. As such is life and I guess I am a little numb to it all. Keep rolling on.